The EAP Experience

NOTE: I found this recently. This was from the darkest days of working at the City (spring 2009). In desperation, I turned to free counseling offered through the Employee Assistance Program, or EAP.

Audrey: "So why're you here?"

Walking in the door to meet Audrey, the EAP counselor, all I was really hoping for was a kind listener who could offer some perspective on my lousy job situation, and possibly - best-case scenario - help me think through some fresh coping strategies. I am completely burned out on my job, but also feel stuck - I've been applying for jobs for 6 months (1 interview, so far) and I'm not comfortable - in this economy - leaving this job for the unknown.

My body is gathering up tension like it's a commodity. My stomach hurts after every meal until I reach the point when I'm starving again. Once I eat, my stomach hurts. I cry at the drop of a pin - yesterday, in the wine store, all I wanted was a bottle of red for a wedding gift. When the guy's wedding recommendation didn't floor me, I called Chris and wailed (quietly, remember I'm still in the store at this point), "This was a fucking mistake. Why did I even come here?" My sweet husband calmly said, "It's OK. Just come home. You don't have to do this now." THAT'S what helps right now - logical calmness. I am fully aware that I am often irrational recently, but that awareness does not translate to a cessation of irrational-ity. (One could argue that my word choice also borders on irrational.) And my body hurts all the time. I exercise for stress relief and sanity - in good times and bad, I always exercise. But for the last year, whenever I exercise, I hurt. The exercise hasn't changed, but something in my body has. This is particularly (and unfortunately) noticeable in yoga. I love yoga, but I keep getting hurt. Two weeks ago in a class, doing headstand (which I've done a thousand times before), I tweaked something in the right side of my neck and couldn't look side to side or up for a week. The day my neck started loosening up, I was lying on the floor in a relaxation pose, I moved wrong, and I tweaked the other side of my neck! Stomach pain, sobbing, sore muscles - my trinity of stress indicators.

At any rate, what finally pushed me to call the Employee Assistance Program for help was the muscle pain. When your coping mechanism of last resort fails, who do you turn to? Well, if you want free help, then the EAP!

Me: (post-wordy explanation) "So in a nutshell, I'm here because I'm in physical pain. Heh, heh."

Audrey: (In all seriousness) "No, you're in emotional pain, actually. So what are you doing to take care of yourself?"

Me: "Daily exercise. Talking w/ friends and family. Yoga teacher training program. Applying for jobs on a regular basis. Eating well."

Audrey: (slight sneer) "And how's that workin' out for you?"

Me: "What?"

Audrey: "How's. That. Workin'. Out. For. You. How are you feeling?"

Me: "Well, terrible. That's why I'm here."

Audrey: "Then you're not doing enough! You've been depressed before. You know where this is heading. You've got to get out of bed and DO something about this!"

Chris later informed me that this is the "Dr. Phil Technique." Yell at people and treat them like idiots to shock them out of the rut they're mired in. In the moment - not being familiar with this tried 'n true technique, I guess - I was simply baffled and somewhat defensive. I thought, "But I AM doing things. Lots of things. I'm never IN bed, what are you talking about???" Audrey's suggestions for DOING SOMETHING were first anti-depressants, and when I said I wasn't interested, acupuncture and St. John's Wort.

Later, Audrey said again: "What can you DO about how stuck you're feeling?"

Me: "I agree that trying St. John's Wort and acupuncture are a good idea, but, well, again, something I'm feeling very proud of right now is the fact that I'm in this yoga teacher training program. I'm excited to be moving towards that."

Audrey: "Nope. You can't count on that. Your body won't let you."

Me: "Well, there's all different kinds of yoga. For example, I'm doing a lot of restor-"

Audrey (interrupting): "Oh, I am all about yoga. You don't have to tell me."

Later, after describing the one job I've truly loved - leading backpacking trips in the Rocky Mountains for high-school kids - I said: "I could do that again, too. I know I'd love that."

Audrey: "No - remember, your body won't let you."

Me (finally getting tired of this refrain): "Actually I'm not ready to accept that. That's not true."

Audrey: (Smirk) "OK..."

At the end of the session, Audrey said: "So, do you think you want to come back?"

Me (confused and attempting to be polite): "Well, I'm kind of a slow processor, so-"

Audrey (interrupting): "I don't care if you're slow - Do. You. Think. You. Want. To. Come. Back? Because if you can handle my directness, then I might be able to help you. But I'm not going to sit here and ask you about your feelings." [Sneer.]

Me: "I don't have my calendar with me, so I'll have to call."
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I called Chris right after, upset, but feeling like I should schedule another appt - I remember thinking, "Maybe this IS what I need. Maybe my not wanting to go back is just an indicator of how much I NEED to go back." I told Chris how it went and he immediately said, "Oh no. You don't need that bullshit. She's a bitter, burned out old social worker who thinks everyone who crosses her therapy-path is a spoiled brat who's just feeling sorry for herself. That's not you. Forget her." It bothers me that I need someone to tell me that it's OK to not go back, and that I don't trust that gut reaction of THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

P.S. I never went back. Whew!